


Their Past, Her Future

by ForxGood



Series: Final chapters, Blank pages [3]
Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F, Idiots in Love, Mentions of Abby Yates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:28:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22206394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForxGood/pseuds/ForxGood
Summary: Erin and Holtzmann discuss their childhood traditions, and the science of ghosts. Part 3 in a series.
Relationships: Erin Gilbert/Jillian Holtzmann
Series: Final chapters, Blank pages [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1597240
Kudos: 16





	Their Past, Her Future

**Author's Note:**

> Again, I highly recommend you read the previous parts in this series first, just for context's sake. I've got one more fic left in this world after this one, and after that; who knows. It's been nice to get back into the flow of writing for Erin and Holtzy, we'll see what other tales these two draw out of me.
> 
> As always, I'm @ForxGood on Twitter; come talk me me :)

“Tell me a story?”

It was a few months later, and both women were lying on the couch, Erin’s head in Holtz’s lap yet again. After her little breakdown, Erin had actually made some significant progress on her thesis, and was now running right on schedule. It helped that Holtzmann continuously made sure Erin didn’t push herself to her limits again, ensuring she ate right and slept well. It really did affect her brain power, and now that she was back on track, Erin felt a lot more relaxed.

At the brunette’s request, Holtzmann laughed, leaning down to press a kiss to Erin’s forehead. “A story about what?” She murmured against her skin, before pulling away to brush a stray curl out of her eyes, a dopey half-smile on her face.

“I don’t know…” Erin hummed, her hands resting on her now visible baby bump, legs hanging over the end of the couch. “… Tell me something about when you were a baby?” She asked, looking up at Holtzmann. “Maybe something your mom used to do with you? I’ve been thinking about, you know, things I’d want my-  _ our _ kid to grow up with, and you obviously turned out really amazing, so…”

She could feel her insides clench slightly as Erin referred to the baby as ‘their’ child, something which never failed to make Holtzmann smile. Once upon a time, she’d have imagined such a thing to be too much for her. She still wasn’t sure how she felt about being a parent, and part of her couldn’t quite comprehend that Erin would want her - clumsy, unassuming Holtzmann who made things explode and once set fire to her private crate of ready salted Pringles - to help raise a child. But she knew, deep in her gut, that she’d love this child with a ferocity unmatched, just like she’d love anything that was created by Erin. 

“Uh… well, here’s something.” Holtzmann started, her fingers finding their way back into Erin’s hair. “My mom used to make pancakes with us every Friday for dinner, every Friday since I was a baby until I went to college. She’d always have Friday nights off, so she’d come home and we’d make pancakes; me, her and my sister. And she’d show us how to mix the batter and flip them in the pan. My sister was always better at the actual cooking than I was, but I liked mixing the batter. We couldn’t afford an electric mixer, so when I was nine, I repurposed an old hobby motor I found at the scrap store and hooked it up to an egg beater and made her one. It was technically my first invention. It exploded the second time we used it.” She shrugged a shoulder. “My mom liked it, though.”

Erin felt herself smile as she saw Holtz blush while she told her story, her own hand awkwardly reaching up to caress the blonde’s cheek. She found it heartwarmingly adorable, the way the usually confident engineer could become this flustered almost-mess just because of something  _ she _ said. Part of her was tempted to lean up, to kiss her and tell her just how cute she found Holtzmann. But the bigger part of her was more interested in learning even more about her girlfriend?

So she stayed put, a small smile on her face as she imagined a tiny little Holtzmann trying to whisk pancake batter in a large mixing bowl, her face probably covered with flour. And that image soon went to her and Holtzmann doing the same, a small girl who somehow had features resembling Holtz - a clear indicator that this was fantasy and not reality - sitting on the kitchen counter asking questions the way only a 4 year old could.

“That’s really sweet.” Erin said, nothing but awe-struck sincerity in her voice as she smiled at the engineer. “Even if it did explode. That’s really cute, Holtzmann.”

An awkward laugh escaped Holtz’s lips as Erin responded, and she moved a hand away from Erin’s hair for a second to scratch her head, taking a deep breath and letting it out. She wasn’t good at talking about herself. It always felt too vulnerable, too scary… But somehow, it felt good to tell Erin. Like the brunette would understand. 

“Yeah, I mean… it was rough sometimes at home. My mom worked so many jobs and we didn’t have a lot of money, and sometimes it was just my sister and me at bedtime. She took care of me a lot when I was really little. But it was stuff like the pancake thing, or when my mom was working at a penny store and would bring home scraps that nobody wanted for me to tinker with, or for us to play dress-up, or how she’d come pick us up from school when we were sick or had a bad day and bring us to work with her and she’d give us jobs to do. They were stupid, like counting rows of quarters, but it would help after a bad day. I had a lot of bad days as a kid.” She shook the memory from her head, composing herself a little before smiling down at Erin. 

“It was the little stuff like that, that reminded us that even though she had to work hard and was sometimes not there physically, she was still our mom and she still loved us and was there for us.”

Erin leaned up at that, softly kissing Holtzmann with one hand on the blonde’s cheek. “That’s really cute, Holtzy. Thank you for sharing that with me.” Smiling softly, she took Holtz’s hand in her own, squeezing soft as she laid back down in the engineer’s lap. She was rather comfortable there, actually, and wouldn’t mind staying there for quite a while longer.

“Do you think we could do something like that?” She asked, looking up at Holtzmann as she interlocked their fingers. “My parents… We didn’t have a lot of traditions. Most of them got-” 

She paused, suddenly realizing she hadn’t told Holtzmann much about her past either. The blonde didn’t know about how Erin saw a ghost when she was 7, or any of the consequences that brought, including Erin’s parents deciding that Erin’s attention-seeking behaviour was all the more reason to end the tradition-like things they used to do together. As a result, Erin didn’t have a lot of fond memories, the majority of them tarnished by her parents distrust of her.

“… We used to go to the beach sometimes, whenever we were on vacation.” She quickly tried to change the subject, but Holtzmann’s frown told her that the blonde had most definitely noticed Erin’s slip up. “I loved to hunt for seashells on the shore. I still do. Whenever we’d go somewhere, I’d try and find the nicest seashell and take it home with me. I should still have them somewhere, I think…”

“I want to see them sometime.” Holtz murmured softly, pressing a kiss to Erin’s cheek as she let herself be distracted by the image of a little Erin combing the beach for shells. Not for lng, though. Holtz had never asked too much about Erin’s home life in the past; it had seemed intrusive to ask, and Erin had never volunteered information, so even though she’d always been curious, she kept those questions to herself. And now it seemed like the brunette was holding back information, and it made Holtzmann’s curiosity burn. “What… what were you saying before? About your family traditions?” 

“What?” Erin laughed, trying to deflect from the issue at hand, never having been good with confrontation. “I didn’t say anything about my family. What family? Nope, nothing there! Just the seashell story. Yup.” 

Erin smiled, a smile that was a little too fake and a  _ lot _ too unbelievable, and Holtzmann couldn’t help the corners of her mouth from twitching up. Sure, Erin was obviously trying to deflect, but she was babbling and doing it so badly that it was kind of cute. Really cute, actually.

(Holtz mentally kicked herself for constantly being so soft when it came to Erin. It was embarrassing.) 

But it was true, there was very little that Erin could say right now that would make Holtzmann reconsider anything she’d said tonight. Obviously, if she’d murdered someone, Holtz would have to sit down alone and have a long think about the whole situation, but other than that, there wasn’t an issue. 

So, she gave a sheepish smile, bringing her thumb down to gently rub Erin’s forehead. “Yeah, you did. And you don’t have to tell me. But if you want to, you can. I trusted you to tell you about my mom, you can trust me to tell me anything. It can’t be more insane than some of the stuff in my life.” She grinned down at the brunette, bringing their clasped hands up to her lips to gently press a soft kiss to her skin. 

Sighing softly, Erin closed her eyes, trying to figure out how to best phrase that you were basically a crazy person until two years ago. As certain as Holtz seemed that Erin’s life couldn’t be crazier than hers, the brunette was pretty sure she was about to correct the young engineer.

“When I was seven… I thought I saw a ghost.”  _ Thought _ . As if she hadn’t felt the ectoplasm rain down on her duvet every night, as if the screams didn’t still haunt her to this day. But no.  _ Thought _ . Because ghosts weren’t real. They just weren’t. “I know better now, of course. But it was… I believed it, for a long time. And my parents sent me to therapy, and that didn’t help, and it… Wasn’t good.”

Erin opened her eyes again slowly, looking up at Holtzmann almost pleading, begging her not to hate her or call her crazy or leave her.

Holtzmann, for her part, definitely hadn’t been expecting to hear what came out of Erin’s mouth next, and she felt her heart rate speed up a little bit as she listened, her eyes widening and her frown deepening, as she watched Erin speak, taking some comfort in the fact that her eyes were closed, as she tried to process all of this. 

Erin had seen a ghost. 

She wasn’t quick enough to change her facial expression by the time the brunette opened her eyes, and she could feel her heart sink a bit as she realized that seeing her girlfriend frowning down at her wasn’t what Erin wanted, but Holtz’s mind was preoccupied with something else. 

“You’ve seen… you’ve seen a ghost.” She mumbled, before letting out a laugh of disbelief. She grinned down at Erin, before shaking her head and reaching down, carefully picking the brunette up enough so that she could sit up on the couch next to Holtzmann, ignoring the brunette’s feeble protests.

“I just, it wasn’t real, it was a kids-” Erin tried to defend herself, but Holtzmann didn’t listen, instead jumping up from the couch with an almost manic grin. 

“Wait here, I’ll be right back.” She said excitedly, her grin widening, as she sprinted into her bedroom, leaving behind a very confused and slightly hurt Erin. Holtz couldn’t run fast enough into her room, flinging the door open as she frantically searched for her little brown shoe box. One of her most prized possessions. In the end, she threw herself onto the floor, finally spotting it in the corner under her bed, unable to hold in the squeal of excitement that escaped as she pulled it out, jumping up and gripping it to her body as she jogged back out to the living room. 

When she saw Erin sitting there, her heart almost broke. She looked so lonely and sad, and it hurt her to think that her reaction had caused anything other than pain for the woman she loved. But, for once, she knew how to rectify the situation. 

She walked up to the couch, crouching in front of it, in front of the brunette’s face. “Erin, do you understand what this means?” 

Holtzmann let out another laugh, pulling the lid of the box off and tossing it into the corner of the room, uncaring for the stack of her research books that it knocked onto the floor as her other hand dug into the contents of the box. 

Instantly, random objects and pieces of paper flew out onto the floor; sketches of equipment, random notes and memos, photographs of supposed apparitions, an EVP recorder, an Ouija planchette, until she picked up a brown notebook, one that had been worn down with use over many years, full of notes and pieces of paper she had shoved into it, and her doodles (because Holtzmann had a hard time staying focused sometime). 

She excitedly flipped through the pages, opening it to one with the heading, ‘Ghost Infestations; Signs To Look Out For’, before opening it, and handing the notebook to Erin. “Was it anything like this?”

Furrowing her brow, Erin looked at the notes, hesitantly taking the notebook from the engineer’s hands. “Ghosts aren’t real..” She mumbled, looking through the notes and trying  _ really _ hard not to get excited, because some of these theories rivaled her own. There were a few mistakes Holtz had made in her observations, of course, but Erin could easily fix-

_ No. _

Ghosts weren’t real. There’s no such thing as ghosts. No self-respecting scientist believes in the paranormal. She’d just made it all up as a kid. There were no theories to fix because  _ ghosts didn’t exist _ .

“No, I… I made it up. I never… Ghosts don’t exist. There’s no such thing as ghosts. It was just… a nightmare. A nightmare I had every night for a year. It wasn’t….  _ real _ ….” But she didn’t sound nearly as sure of herself as she’d hoped she would.

Holtz watched her read the notebook with a massive grin on her face, hopping up and down on her toes as she crouched in front of the sofa, unable to contain her excitement. She had been working on this for so long, keeping it a secret because when she talked about it, it had done nothing but make her bullying worse, and finally, she had found someone she could share it with. 

Until she heard Erin’s words. 

Holtz frowned, shaking her head, before laughing again and taking the notebook from Erin, impatiently flicking through the pages. “No, no, no, listen.” She opened it up to the first page, cracking the spine as she started to read. “November 11, 1998, a poltergeist started terrorizing the girl’s locker room at my middle school. Nobody goes in there for days because there’s something in there making noise, and throwing tampons from the dispenser at anyone who tried to go inside. We didn’t do phys ed for a week. Finally, the noises stop, and when we go back in there, there’s ectoplasm everywhere. I even took a sample.” She looked down, rifling through the box again to find the small glass jar full of the slimey substance, handing it to Erin. 

“I knew then that it had been a ghost, and I tried looking for it, but it was long gone by then. I decided then that I needed to find a ghost and catch it, and it’s kinda been my side hobby since then.” She shrugged, before taking Erin’s hand, grinning up at her, her eyes brimming with adoration. 

“You saw a ghost, Erin. You saw one with your own eyes. God, that’s amazing. You gotta believe me when I say all this, ‘cause I sure as hell believe you.” 

“I didn’t… I never…” Erin took the vial of ectoplasm, paling and nearly hurling when she saw the similarities between the sample and the stuff Gretta DeMille used to hurl over her every night for a year. Except in her case, it had always vanished without fail the next morning. ‘Part of the nightmare’, her parents had called it.

Erin hadn’t believed them then. She wasn’t sure why she was so insistent on believing them now.

(Maybe because she’d left behind the only true friend she’d ever had because she couldn’t deal with the constant bullying anymore, and acknowledging the mistake she’d made would actually kill her inside).

“I was crazy…” She mumbled softly, even as the recognition of everything Holtz was showing her was undeniable. Erin  _ knew _ this stuff, had  _ experienced _ this stuff. Hell, she’d written a 400+ page  _ book _ on the stuff. But she’d made enough serious mistakes to haunt her for a lifetime, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to face that just yet. “They… They sent me to therapy. Called me ‘ghost girl’. It wasn’t… It wasn’t  _ real _ . It wasn’t…”

Except it was. And she knew that it was. Deep down, she’d always known that she couldn’t have just made that up. The memories had been too vivid. The science she and Abby had conducted had held up just a little too well to be immediately dismissed. But if that was true….

“….. Oh god, I’m a terrible person….”

Holtz shook her head as Erin stammered, her grin widening. “You were never crazy, Erin! What you saw was real!” She couldn’t help herself then, as she leaned up to press a kiss to Erin’s cheek, the excitement coursing through her body as she thought of the implications of this. Finally, she could justify spending more time on this research, and she could do it with Erin. An image flashed through her mind, of her and Erin working on these theories, building these machines that she had designed, and finally, maybe, catching an actual ghost. 

The thought made her giddy. 

But as Erin uttered her last words, she felt her frown return, and she took the brunette’s hands again. “No you’re not. Why would you say that?”

Erin sniffled, somehow unable to keep the tears at bay.  _ Damn pregnancy hormones _ . She didn’t need this right now. Not when things seemed to be going right for once. “No, I am. I… I did something  _ terrible _ . I just… I couldn’t do it anymore. The laughing, and the names, and the looks, and… I….” Erin sighed, realizing she’d have to tell Holtzmann the full story now. There was no running away from this. She’d tried, and it had come back to haunt her. 

Ghosts always did.

“… Promise you won’t hate me?” She asked, pleading at the engineer. “Promise that, after I tell you everything, you won’t hate me?”

Holtz took a deep breath as she saw Erin start to cry, a sight that she hated so much, and she reached behind her to pick up the box of tissues that they’d had to start keeping on the low table, because everything Erin watched on TV lately seemed to make her cry. She handed them to the brunette, before putting the box on the table and moving up to sit cross-legged on the couch, facing where Erin sat, shaking her head. 

“I could never hate you, Erin.” She whispered, reaching down to intertwine her fingers with the brunette’s, giving them a gentle squeeze as a quick reminder that she was there, and she was there to stay. She could feel the brunette cuddling up against her, and it made Holtzmann feel a little better. She knew how much Erin liked being comforted, being held. “Tell me.” 

Nodding silently, Erin began to tell her story. She told Holtzmann everything. She told her about the halloween where she dressed as a ghost, the one where Gretta DeMille singled her out for throwing leaves in her garden with her ‘friends’ who were paid $1.50 an hour that night. She told her about the apparition she saw every night, at the foot of her bed, hurling ectoplasm over her as she hid under her duvet. She told Holtz what her parents thought of this, how they never believed her, how they sent her to therapy.

And most importantly, she told her about Abby. The one friend she ever had, the one person who had just… believed her, even despite the fact that everyone was busy calling her ‘Ghost Girl’ when she transferred to Erin’s school. She told Holtz about the projects they did, the stake-out adventures, visiting ‘haunted’ houses and even writing a book together.

“We were meant to talk about it on the university radio show.” Erin spoke softly, keeping her hands busy by playing with Holtzmann’s fingers rather than her own. “Do an interview about the book. But I had just gotten back from a meeting with my guidance counselor, about my future, about how this book would mean I’d never…  _ get anywhere _ , because no one would take me seriously. And all I could see was my future as a scientist flashing before my eyes. I was told that, if I didn’t distance myself from anything to do with ghosts, I’d be subjecting myself to a lifetime of ridicule. Because no one would  _ ever _ believe in ghosts. And I….” 

She swallowed thickly, the feeling of shame pooling like bile in her stomach. “I left her there. I never showed up to the interview. I burned the books. And I…. I  _ left _ . I didn’t even say goodbye. I just…  _ left _ . Because I couldn’t… I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t be  _ mocked _ for the rest of my life. College is expensive, and with my parents, and…” She sighed, wiping at her eyes. “I couldn’t tell her. Abby never quite understood  _ that _ part of me. She doesn’t care what other people think, she never did. And I knew she’d talk me out of it if I told her. And that seemed like… a  _ mistake _ ….” She shook her head. “It’s the biggest regret of my life.”

As Erin finished, Holtzmann pursed her lips, thinking for a moment. A lot of Erin’s story rang very true to her own. About her childhood, feeling isolated, being bullied... Yeah, they were a little different, Holtz had never seen a ghost or been traumatized like that, but being the small, kind of scrawny kid from a single-parent household who was obsessed with robots and spoke in funny voices wasn’t a great mix when you wanted to be treated well by a bunch of 4 th graders, so she knew that feeling very well. And when Erin started talking about her friend, Abby, Holtz had almost wanted to cry, and she tightened her grip on the other woman, resting her eyes on their hands clasped together.

“You’re not a bad person, Erin.” She finally said softly, her voice low. “You made a mistake, but that doesn’t make you bad.” She gently squeezed Erin’s fingers. “You can make that mistake right.”

“I really can’t.” Erin mumbled, now even more cuddled up against Holtzmann than before. “I wouldn’t know where she is… She probably doesn’t even wanna speak to me… And I can’t… With this baby, Holtz, I can’t be…  _ ridiculed _ . I need a job, Holtz. I can’t… I can’t be associated with……”

Holtzmann felt her frown intensify at that. Yeah, she knew that the scientific community’s grasp on the paranormal was tenuous, but both of them had evidence to back their claims up, and if this Abby had also been invested, then they could really be onto something there. But she knew it was easier said than done. It was hard to get a research grant for something that most people didn’t subscribe to even at Halloween. And Erin’s situation demanded some stability right now.

But it was as she felt Erin’s hand rest on her jaw, and she covered it with her own hand, leaning her cheek into the warmth she found there, so content and adoring for such a simple gesture, that she gave Erin a soft smile. 

“Forgive me?” Erin asked softly, looking almost pleadingly at her girlfriend. 

“You act like there could be anything I wouldn’t forgive you for.” She murmured, pressing a soft kiss to Erin’s forehead. “And listen… I know that this ghost stuff is hard, but I wouldn’t have kept working on it all of these years if I didn’t think there could be some future with it. I don’t know, maybe… don’t give up on it yet. We could make something amazing here.”

Erin nodded soft, leaning up to press a soft kiss to Holtzmann’s lips. “I know. And I’m not… I’m not saying… Give up completely. I just… I need to keep it on hold. At least for now. Until everything’s… Stable.” Erin ran her thumb over Holtzmann’s jawline - her  _ perfect _ jawline, but maybe she was biased - biting her lip as she looked at her girlfriend. “I need my job, Holtz. We need the money. I can’t risk it… Not now. Especially not now. You understand that, right?”

Although a wave of sadness washed over Holtz at Erin’s admission of defeat (hey, Holtz still definitely wanted to catch ghosts), she knew why the brunette was saying that, and perked up a bit when she said it wasn’t for forever. But she leaned down to press another soft, slow kiss to Erin’s lips, nodding as she pulled away. “I understand.” She whispered, and would have left it at that if she didn’t know that there was something else she wanted to say.

“But listen… I don’t want you to worry about anything. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I never was going to go anywhere. I’m going to stand by your side as long as you want me to be here. I know I’m a clumsy mess who doesn’t really know what’s going on most of the time, but I love you, and I’ll take care of you, and this baby. Money, a place to stay, support, love… in whatever way you need me to be there, I’ll do it. And that’s a promise.”

Erin melted against her as she said that, a feeling of warmth and comfort washing over her. Because Holtz was staying. She was gonna be here. Erin didn’t have to do it all alone, stressful as the entire situation was. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” She whispered softly, leaning up to kiss her girlfriend again. “You’re a miracle, Jillian Holtzmann.”

“And I’ll still… I’d love to help you fix a few of your theories, in our spare time.” She offered carefully, a nervous smile gracing her features. “It would be nice to talk about it all again with someone. But we can’t….  _ I _ can’t be public about it, okay? I need a job. I need the money. I don’t want this baby raised around the same ridicule I grew up around. She deserves better than that, and I think we both know that…”

She nodded, leaning her forehead against Erin’s, a small smile on her face. “Of course. I understand. I mean, you’ve seen my research, it lives in a shoebox.” She felt her grin widen, picking up on something Erin had said. “’She’? You think the baby’s a girl?”

Erin smiled a lil sheepishly, nodding softly at her girlfriend. She’d had the opportunity to find out the gender a while ago, but she kind of liked the idea of that being a surprise, so she had declined. Now, though, she was thinking maybe she should double check it. “She feels like a she. I don’t really know how I know, it’s just… Intuition, I think? But yeah. She. I think I’m gonna start looking at girl names a bit more.”

“I can’t wait to meet her, Erin.” Holtz said softly. “If she’s anything like you, she’s gonna kick ass.”

Putting one hand back on her stomach, Erin smiled at Holtz, feeling completely at ease around her. “I can’t wait to meet her either. And with you as a role model, I’m sure she’ll turn out amazing.”

Holtzmann smiled as listened to Erin talk about the baby, something she loved doing. It gave her chills, if she was being honest, hearing Erin talk about something, someone, who she loved so much. She’d always kind of kept her distance with that, never asking to touch Erin’s belly, or trying to talk to the baby. It felt sacred, and she didn’t want to interfere.

Still, she couldn’t quite resist changing the subject - cute as Erin’s baby undoubetdly was, they had been talking about  _ ghosts _ until a few minutes ago.

“What did you mean earlier when you said you could ‘fix my theories’?” She asked jokingly. She was aware that obviously Erin knew better about these theories, being an actual physics researcher and well-versed in the equations. She’d been dying to ask someone who was well-versed to have a look at some of her ideas. This had basically been an entire dream come true for Holtzmann.

“It’s good research.” Erin smiled back at her, one hand still resting on her baby bump. “You just forgot to factor in a few little things here and there.” Let’s face it, the entire world of paranormal physics was lost without the Yates-Gilbert equation. It was just a shame they couldn’t really bring that news into the public eye without being ridiculed for it.

Holtzmann laughed, rolling her eyes in jest as a drawled-out “aaallright” escaped her lips. “I guess I need a little help with some of the math. Or the theories. Or just putting it all together.” She laughed again, leaning down to bury her face in Erin’s hair, pressing a gentle kiss there.

“I’d be delighted to help you out” Erin grinned, before closing her eyes again It felt so nice and comforting, being there in the engineer’s embrace, and Erin had almost forgotten about all the stress that had brought her there in the first place.

She suddenly gasped, eyes widening as she looked down at her baby bump, still small but very much present. “She kicked me….”

“Well, that’s rude of her.” Holtzmann replied, frowning slightly as her mind tried to catch up with her mouth.

Erin rolled her eyes at Holtzmann’s comment, too excited to really be mad at the engineer for calling her baby rude. “No, Holtz, look!” She grabbed Holtzmann’s hand, putting it on her bump in the same spot where she had felt the baby kick earlier. She didn’t even think about it, it just made sense for Holtz to be a part of this. Belatedly, she realized that Holtz had never even touched her bump before, and part of her wondered if maybe the engineer didn’t want to be this involved at all. But it was a little late for that now, she decided.

“She’s kicking.” She said, completely in awe. “Can you feel it?”

“What-“ Holtz started to speak, but was cut off as Erin grabbed her hand and put it on her stomach. For a moment, her brain went into what she liked to call ‘malfunction mode’, which was a common reaction to being close to Erin in any way, before it finally caught up to the situation, and she frowned, feeling for a second. She could definitely feel something. It was small, and subtle, and she had to gently press into Erin’s skin with her palm to feel it better, but there it was. A tiny flutter.

A small smile warmed her face, and she bit her lip, nodding, looking at Erin. “I can feel it.” She said softly. She didn’t know why she was the one getting emotional now, it wasn’t like it was her baby, and Erin was the one who was actually pregnant, but there was something about the fact that Erin herself had put Holtz’s hand on her stomach that made her want to sob like a baby.

Erin beamed at Holtzmann, too in awe of her little bundle of joy to realize she was still holding the engineer’s hand. She awkwardly let go a few seconds later, once realization had kicked in, and once she’d noted the look of discomfort on Holtzmann’s face.

“Oh, sorry…” She said, trying to awkwardly laugh off what she’d just done. “Guess I kinda made my child kick you…. Not really good girlfriend behaviour.” She laughed, awkwardly patting the back of Holtz’s hand. “But umm, seriously, sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t know if you wanted to… I guess I just got excited.”

Holtz looked up at Erin at her words, frowning slightly. She could feel tears pricking at her eyes, her entire body overwhelmed at the intimacy and emotion of the moment they had just shared. As well as that, she hadn’t realized how much it had meant to feel the baby kick, and not just because of Erin’s part in it. She had no biological connection to this baby, and yet… somehow, she felt like hers.

But she cleared her throat, shaking her head, bringing her fingers up to frantically swipe at her eyes, not wanting to fall apart in front of Erin. “No, it’s… it’s fine, really, I… I’m glad you…” She trailed off, giving Erin a smile, hoping with everything she had that she wouldn’t cry. “That was… really cool.”

Erin’s face only fell more as she saw the emotional turbulence in Holtz’s eyes, the brunette letting go of Holtzmann’s hand completely as she pulled away a little. “No, no, oh no, you’re crying. I’m sorry, Holtzmann, I’m so sorry.” She hadn’t meant to make Holtzmann upset. She just got so excited at the prospect of her baby being real, more real than before, that she hadn’t been thinking. Frantically reaching for the tissues on the table, Erin grabbed a few, before beginning to dab at Holtz’s eyes. “Here, let me- Oh, I’m  _ so _ sorry, Holtz. Please don’t hate me?”

Holtz shook her head as Erin started dabbing at her eyes, reaching her hands up to take the brunette’s and bring them down onto her lap. “Erin, no…” She trailed off, sighing, before taking a deep breath to compose herself. “I don’t hate you, Erin, I could never hate you.”

She glanced at Erin’s small bump quickly, before clearing her throat and looking up to meet the taller girl’s eyes. “It’s just… it was a lot.” She took another deep breath, finally sure that she wasn’t going to lose it. “Not in a bad way, just…” She shrugged a shoulder. “I don’t know, that’s… that’s your baby. And you wanted me to feel her kick.” She shrugged again, looking down at her lap. “It was a lot to handle.”

“Too much?” The brunette asked softly, the unspoken question ringing loud and clear in Holtzmann’s mind.

“No, no, just… Takes some getting used to.” Holtzmann laughed awkwardly, feeling a little bad at her reaction. Because if this was taking some getting used to for her, it was  _ nothing _ compared to the changes Erin had had to get used to over these past few months.

To her credit, the Erin only laughed softly, carefully taking Holtz’s hands in her own. “I’ll be more careful next time, okay? I just-”

“You got excited.” Holtzmann nodded. It was adorable, really, how excited Erin could get about things. Not just baby things; all sorts of things. Holtzmann loved that quality about her girlfriend. It was incredibly endearing, and something the blonde never minded seeing more of. So she kissed Erin softly, smiling against her lips.

“Never apologize for getting excited, okay? Especially about this baby. I’ll be okay. I gotta get used to her anyways, right? Might as well start.”

Erin still seemed a little unsure about Holtzmann’s answer, but the blonde gave her no chance to start apologizing again, instead grabbing her phone with one hand as she pulled Erin close with the other. “Hey, maybe she’s hungry. I know I’m starving. Wanna just order some food tonight? Lazy night in?”

“Sounds good.” Erin smiled, letting her worries slide for now. She knew Holtzmann wouldn’t lie to her. If it were really serious, the engineer would tell her. So instead, she just cuddled up against her girlfriend, one hand on her belly, content to just enjoy how incredibly  _ lucky _ she was right now.


End file.
